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It’s me again Margaret

I’m forever trying to get my blog to stay up. It’s really hard to keep a device charged in Slab City. Or to keep a device for that matter. If you get a new one you run into googles bullshit prove youre you with a phone you don’t have bullshit.

So I think I’m finally able to get into the old accounts but in the meantime I added more, that I’ve since lost track of. I paid for a year somewhere to make sure it would stay up, but for some reason there’s constant hacking attempts on it, so I’m considering just going back to this.

My inability to focus or organize aside…I’m fine. Still in the slabs. Still dealing with all the deprivation and craziness that entails. I am gonna do better blogging, somewhere, and am thankfully 2 faithful readers are still here. (You are right?)

Anyways at some point the blog will be part of the site, not the feature. That is over here if you want to check it out-

Can you hear me now?

I’m stuck. Frozen. In practical terms they might as well call it executive dysfunction with me because mine doesn’t work. I never say anything I haven’t practiced before, that’s usually how I spend mornings, figuring out who I need to talk to and what I need to say. Right now I need to talk to so many people it’s overwhelming. Plus I made an ass of myself last night and need to fix it. And I just don’t even know where to start.

On top of that I’ve known for a while what I am and what my purpose is. I just haven’t been sure how to communicate that. Today I think I figured that out, but that just adds to the list of people I need to speak to. And with each person a list of things to say that has to be practiced or else I will mess it up and miscommunication will triple the list instantly.

If you don’t think I have trouble communicating and know that it took me about 4 hours just to figure out how to say that.

Now I’m tired so I’m going to try to just let fate decide. In the end isn’t that what we always kind of do?
So wherever this happens to be shared if you read it and have the time and interest in talking to me hit like or something. My phone is almost dead and I have just enough time to finish writing this. And hopefully when I get my phone back up something will spur me into action. Worth a try.

Stop this ride I want off

Im sitting here with someone balled up on my floor. Occasionally he screams about hating people or punches the wall or floor. The dogs, abuse survivors themselves, completely lose their shit each time. Theyre very protective of me and its all I can do to stop them from attacking him. One accidentally does bite me. Then he quietly apologizes to me, and them, and I reassure him that its ok, we can handle it and so can he, hang in there. Im trying to hide my tears and failing. And im just failing. Hes in withdrawals from heroin and if youve been blessed enough to never witness that – its hell. Its so awful you’re tempted to go buy them some yourself. You cant help them. Nothing helps. Their survival rate is so dismal at this point sane people dont allow themselves feelings for these lost souls. Im not sane though and I love them.

After hours of scrambling someone has help in the form of suboxene so I run down the street to meet them but on the way someone heading in the opposite direction tells me someone else has ODd and is dead. We pause and try to decide if its likely rumor or the truth. Since it was someone the help I waited on had been close to I feel I have to warn them so I text, praying they’ll still come through.

They will, like most addicts the one who ODd had already burned all bridges. Truth or rumor they’re numb to it, so I sit outside and wait. Freezing. I get the meds, and instructions, along with the warning – once they take it they cant get high. Someone needs to watch them cuz if they try they will OD. Great.  I pass on the warning and meds and sit through another hour or two while he agonizes on whether he should take it, worrying as soon as he does someone will show up with drugs. The pain is too much though so he takes it and passes out.

I was ready to pass out too but then I hear a noise at ZZs. Since he should be asleep and his garage is unlocked I go check it out. Its Jimbo, the one person ZZ trusts like that so I just shrug when he says he has someone new to the slabs with nowhere to stay.

Now that was unusual. Not that he’d help a newbie but taking them in. Even stranger was the choice to bring her to ZZs. Color me intrigued so I offer to keep her company while he investigates some people arguing nearby (they’d had a shotgun earlier).

I quickly agree she is unlikely to steal or anything. She’s a recent graduate – psychologist. She was going to work in the social work field but had decided it wasnt for her. From Alabama – a friend was headed to CA and asked if she wanted to go. Unsure where else in life she was headed she said sure. Oh she’s also a damn good artist. Money isnt a huge concern as her side hustle is tattooing. I probe about addictions – cigarettes. Nothing major but shes had her ups and downs. She has narcolepsy. All her vices are totally logical, even wise. She has no student loans, she got a free ride based on academic merit. So she’s a good student in spite of an urge to sleep 14+ hours a day. Very very interesting. And things only I would consider important. She doesnt do portrait or memorial tattoos because she feels with the inevitable body changes even the best work will change and no longer be the face they loved and the odds of them being happy with it for life is low. To me this shows a thoughtfulness about human nature and how her actions impacts others that is… well even God hadnt thought of it like that but she’s right. And I just kept talking and talking. She’s gonna be a damn good psychologist however she chooses. And she’s 23. I all but beg her to stay and help me.

I aggravate some people with my incessant questions. They say they feel pressured to have an answer. Or they say I’m pushy in general but the questions are sort of rhetorical. I know there’s no answer that’s why I keep asking I just need input or some new way of thinking because I’m stuck or lacking time. For other people that are as autistic as me it’s no big deal and if they’re knowledgeable it saves me a lot of research time. Really rare is someone neurotypical and just…patient. Every single question she understood which in itself is rare but she also had valuable insight and info. And the craziest of all – some answers.

I’ve been in a sort of talespin for months because I’m willing to literally die if I need to help my people but it has to have a chance. I’m going to struggle and suffer the rest of my life if it might really change things but not in sacrificial protest. If you’re going to lay it all on the line to win and there is no Finish Line… well that’s stupid.

And I had no ideas and more and more love for people that I had to watch dying. And of course it’s the height of arrogance to think I could do something countless doctors and geniuses have failed at. But I really do think the person that changes the world is the one that believes they can. And you guys I have an idea.

And everybody I’ve told about it started to get this weird little glimmer of hope in their eyes. And if you’ve ever had to deal with a heroin addict that alone is almost a miracle. They also said they’ll try. They’ll try. Holy shit you guys.

No one yet has had a deal breaker “no that won’t work” reaction and like seriously you guys I have an idea. I have hope. I’m going to save the details for another post this has been rambling and confusing enough I’m sure. And I have to talk to various people about their comfort level in me talking about their lives but I wanted to update everyone.

Some people like my friend Alyson are the reason I have a phone to do this. I’m so grateful. And something weird just happened. Its quiet.

God has gone silent a few times since this all started. Mostly I just felt they were busy. And once I felt nothing at all for so long I started changing life plans thinking id gone sane until suddenly it was back and there was covid. And even though God supposedly gets Sunday off they never seem to stop having something to say which even if it is God and I’m not crazy it would have made me crazy. I mean once God told me why the Platypus with their favorite animal while I was trying to have sex. It’s both awkward and overwhelming.

Earlier though when hope entered my heart again and I knew we can do this and we will keep doing this until we find a way I felt triumph and joy and pride that brought me to my knees. I feel sorry for some of these kids when they told me that drugs are better than sex but I sorta to get it now. Ive now felt true unconditional love and God’s overwhelming pride in us. (And ive tried lotsa drugs). Dude kind of invented euphoria. I can see why some people felt that and lost their holy war jihad damn minds. And then silence so profound everything else is so loud in comparison. It’s like my ears just popped. But God isn’t busy they didn’t go anywhere. It took a while to realize what was happening. God is resting. We got this.

I. end up spending the night talking to her. If sge does choose a job that requires getting people to talk – she’ll be damn good at i66t6gvft. Im not chatty anyways but never with a stranger but I find myself discussing and admitting all kinds of private persinal things. Im blow n away when I finally ask her age. 23.

To everything turn turn turn

Life can change so completly so fast. You turn around and are in a different world with different people. If you start remembering past lives it gets even worse and you catch yourself asking “What year is it again?”
Change it is a-coming

Checking “got chased by an angry pirate” off the bucket list

Im ok – got wiped out again. Well my art supplies were stolen anyways, which is crushing enough. I thought they got my phone though but it was found this morning in ZZs couch lol. Long story on all that – I need to sit down and do some writing, ive had a lot happen lately and yanno I dont hold back.😅 Right now – sitting at Handlebar waiting for the ramen Karl made me to cool down. Life is fucked but im happy enough anyways cuz the haters and thieves can suck it. Hope youre all well too.😘

Then Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasnt Fuzzy Was He?

This was published on my old blog, which broke, but it remains one of my favorite things ive ever written.

Earlier today I was told a friend of mine had died. An older guy who goes by Bear who I helped out when he ended up homeless; for awhile Bear was my driver, shuttling me to meetings. In return he has helped me out when no one else could. And disappeared with my car for hours to the casino while I worried myself sick. I digress. Back to my point: so even though hes a thieving asshole I haven’t forgiven he once fought off a guy half his age and twice his size (and we really weren’t sure who would win) with a cane, to protect me. When I was at my lowest, utilities shut off, no food he still drove, and I suspect siphoned a little gas to get John and Chelsea to school. When I ran out of places to borrow or beg… I’d send him off with whatever I could scrounge to sell, tshirts and other junk, and he would always come back triumphant though sometimes he’d be gone all day and I’d bitch about him joyriding in my car.

While fighting over the whole thieving asshole bit I brokenheartedly asked why he had so little respect for me. He asked if I knew how he always managed to hustle what I asked of him. Naturally I responded cuz hes a sheister and he quietly said, almost embarrassed, that it was because he kept going until he did because I had done so much for him and he didnt want to let me down. Ya, a sheister skilled in getting out of trouble but ya, it worked. Ya, I’m gonna cry again.Ok hes so full of shit his eyes are brown and odds are he almost got me beat up as many times as saved me and I cant say we’re really friends, but I can say even though we can feud nonstop we don’t stab each other in the back. We go straight for the jugular, and that makes us family. Plus everyone understands I hate all humankind but still need to know you’re okay and have eaten. So I broke down when I was told he had died alone 10 blocks away. The last thing I remember saying to him was screaming at him to kick rocks, and wash his damn feet once in awhile so the rest of us can breathe. Oh man, I am the asshole. So I cried and apologized to his spirit, promising we’d claim his remains and scatter his ashes in the gooseneck or something, and cried some more until word came back. He was alive though still very ill with blood poisoning, and he almost lost his leg. So I’m relieved I’ll get a chance to tell him I care (in a vague roundabout way somewhere he’ll never see…) but even more so I can tell him I FREAKING TOLD YOU SO! No one ever listens to me and look atcha now stumpy, not so smart after all. Even Forrest Gump knew to wash his feet and listen to his mom. So listen up friends. There will be no more of this dying nonsense. Ain’t no one got time or funds for another funeral. Not unless I finally snap and do us all a favor and take you out. I could borrow a few bucks and I already got a spot to scatter your ashes that will go unnoticed since I’m pretty sure that’s illegal even if you paid for the remains and no one else was doing anything with them anyways. And pardon me for pointing it out, I understand it’s hard to shower if you’re homeless, but I’ve got one you can use and going by smell a couple of you may be dead already. So wash your nasty asses and call your moms before I stop being nice. And Bear, I’m glad you’re still with us brother and I’ll bring you some crosswords or something soon but you too Pegleg. No I’m not sneaking brandy into the hospital, try again. Maybe a bible or something. Let’s face it we’re both too hot-headed to relocate to somewhere really warm and if it’s a stairway to heaven I’m sorry but i don’t see you gimping your way up a huge flight of stairs so you better hustle us up a ride. Well, maybe just a sip of brandy. Let’s face it we both gotta try the wrong choice twice to be sure and the fact my mouth or your get rich schemes haven’t gotten either of us killed is surely an act of God, and I’ll drink to that.

I’d go to bed but who has sheep in the desert?

That title was funnier in my head.

Anyways. I am up ridiculously late because I need to make some decisions and I suck at that. One decision is mostly made though – im going to take on the preservation of the Slab City Internet Cafe.

I say preservation not management or ownership for a few reasons. 1 – the pirates own it if anyone does since its on their slab and theyve sunk a lot of money into it but really I think pirate Rob has done that so its there for the community. It belongs to everybody. 2 – Andy and Kramer make the coffee every morning and dont need my help especially since im an asshole in the am and 3 – Cheese says whats really needed is someone passionate about it and its history. My life sends me in other directions but im passionate about the slabs history and helping people so i’ll do until someone better volunteers.

And im passionate about fundraising and the power is iffy (i think Andy may be providing it), it has no wifi, and various things like the stage overhang wont survive the summer without repairs.

Getting free wifi to the slabs, via grant hopefully, and a literacy program (I want to start teaching the littles to read anyways) are my top priorities and one should help the other.

And I want to start selling sandwiches and oatmeal. That im constantly begging for money for food is anmoying. $1 sandwiches might defray the cost. If they have no cash we’ll take 33 recyclable cans or a bag of raked trash. And they’re already heating water so oatmeal makes sense.

In general everything im doing makes sense to do there and it could use some TLC. Bonus the food storage has a bunch of counters and shelves but the pirates cook prefers to work elsewhere and those shelves would be perfect to dry art on and lock it up. Finding a place to do that is a problem ive had a lot so others must have it too.

Guess its finally time to put down a root or two.

Yo ho just brunch and tea thanks

Redrum opens at sundown but sometimes the pirates just want a mountain dew or something so they open in the morning/afternoon. Anyways I snapped some pics of Redrum during the day. The stripper pole just isnt the same lol

Go ahead and make my day

So im at Redrum and I pull open my jacket all sly and tell Aiden “im packing” and that poor man looked nervous for a second cuz they’d already taken a 9mm off someone plus Grace went after a man with a chair for being disrespectful (he deserved it) … but ya, just a Kat and Mouse.

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